Change

Change.

Everyone wants change at some point in their life, but may not know how to go about it. Change can be exciting and scary, regardless if the change is facilitated by you or uncontrolled circumstances in your life such as losing your job, your partner wanting a divorce, or a newly diagnosed medical illness.

Change is a choice.

Change ushers in the new, but often we focus on what we’re losing or leaving behind. There’s excitement and grief related to change. There’s also fear. Fear of the unknown as change happens. ‘If I change (certain behaviors) what will happen to my relationships?’ ‘If I change my relationship, will I find another partner, will the relationship be better, different?’ ‘If I change my job/career will I be able to financially take care of myself and my family?’  These are all valid concerns and questions yet they are based on fear. The issue with basing our choices on fear is that fear can keep us in behaviors, relationships, jobs that no longer serve us. Fear can keep us complacent in being comfortable. Fear keeps your spirit trapped; fearful of moving forward or in a different direction.

I know this personally.

I love change. Well, let me rephrase that. I used to Love change, now I like it. Sometimes. When I can control it. I loved change when I was younger and often welcomed and facilitated change. Change of job, change of career, change of residence. If I felt like it was becoming old hat to me, I’d get these nagging thoughts and a gut feeling that it’s time for a change.  I was excited by the thought of exploring new towns, meeting new people, creating new friendships, being challenged at a different job, always learning and experiencing something new. With these changes, I’ve allowed myself to be guided solely by my heart, my intuition.

But, I confess, as I’ve become older, change has been much slower for me. I am more apt to rely on my practical left brain rather than my intuitive self. Because to be an adult is to be responsible – in every way. At least that was the belief. I also believed that to be a responsible adult meant that I had to live by the book, no ‘reckless’ behavior such as following my intuition. So I shut it down or didn’t listen. In doing so, I shut down my child like wonder and awe for the world that I’ve had throughout my life. I stopped exploring. And my spirit suffered. I physically suffered.

Instead of letting go and allowing myself to flow with the Universe, I have been holding on to  Control for the last year. Not Cool. I would go in spurts between letting go and flowing with Universe, then the fear would pop up and the control would rear its ugly head-again.  It has been a back and forth experience.  Two steps forward, one step back, with all the usual and imagined frustration in-between.  No one writes about the actual process of gut-wrenching change.  We usually hear about it as facts, “I lost everything, stayed with friends for a while, partner left me,’ etc.  We don’t always hear about the internal strife within, the confusion, indecision, fear or self-doubt probably because it doesn’t sound easy. And it’s not. We usually hear about the internal strife, when they’ve come out on the other side, on top of their mountain.

Well, that’s where I have been the last year.  Questioning if I was hearing my intuition clearly.  Wondering if I was on the ‘right’ path. Being confused, having self-doubt, stress and indecision.  Hence, the no writing.

 

Change is a choice.  And sometimes, the Universe chooses for you.

And I am listening.

 

What change are you wanting to make?  What choice are you willing to make?