Tag Archives: Well being

Apathy: Stage 3 w/a Narcissist

I can’t. I just can’t. 

Are you tired of and overwhelmed from the constant chaos from our Administration and the Media’s sensationalism that apathy has seeped into your life?  I know I am.  Actually, I vacillate between caring (giving a damn) and being apathetic (not giving a damn).  In my orbit, the stress point for people has definitely increased regardless of political affiliation. When people (and animals for that matter) become stressed, anger and anger outbursts are natural symptoms.  In a previous post, Sorry, But it Never Gets Better with a Narcissist, I shared some tidbits about narcissism and what you can look forward to being in relationship with a narcissist.  Even knowing that life only goes from bad to worse with a narcissist and having the psychological insight to expect chaotic and inconsistent behavior doesn’t immune me from becoming affected.

Relationships with narcissists are often very difficult for partners to leave because the narcissist has created an environment of control and dependency over a length of time. However, nothing is one sided, sometimes the partner has a dependent personality or dependency issues in which they feel they can’t survive unless depending on someone else for their livelihood.

One aspect of being in relationship with a narcissist is at some point you stop caring.  You’re tired of the chaos because it’s something different, more outlandish and inexplicable day after day.  You’re tired of the lies.  You’re tired of fighting and you’re tired of placating.  You’re tired of standing up for and defending yourself and others. You’re also tired of acquiescing. You’re. just. plain. tired.

Nope. Not gonna happen

If you’ve reached this point where you just had to stop caring about what the narc (president) does and distanced yourself from the relationship (such as not reading about or watching the sensational news. I still don’t get how every damn tweet that man does ends up on the news as if it’s breaking ‘news.’ Smdh. What a waste of time and resources). But I digress. If you’ve reached a point of ‘why bother,’ then you’re in the middle stages of the relationship.  This feeling, unfortunately is very normal. Distance will give you some respite.  Usually, by this time in the relationship you have unknowingly and knowingly given some, if not most of your power away to this person, meaning you are somewhat dependent upon him and stay in the relationship because you can’t yet see a way out.  Maybe he’s or she’s taken control of the money saying that he’s better with it or knows what to do with it.  You can’t really move (leave)…to Canada or overseas, so you’re kinda stuck where you are.  This is when the wind gets knocked out of your sails and you get the case of the ‘Meh’s’ and the ‘Blah’s.’ You become apathetic, losing interest in some of the things you’ve enjoyed in the recent past. Nothing sounds fun or interesting. Forget about Self-care because nothing really rocks your boat right now anyway. ‘So what’s the point?’ This is apathy, where you stop giving a shit.

You’re tired of being steamrolled. Confronting a narcissist on their lies is like playing wack-a-mole. As soon as you confront one lie, he’s telling another lie to get out of that lie and another until he actually tells on himself! You say, ‘Aha! There it is!’ thinking you’ll get some accountability. Instead, you’re left there holding the mallet, knowing you got-the-mole, but scratching your head wondering if you really did get him, because somehow, the mole keeps moving.

Nationally, it’s easy to feel depleted and apathetic when the president continues to be enabled by Congress, his cabinet, and the DOJ. You wonder if anything you do or say really matters to the narc and as you wonder, you know the answer. “No.” You’ve come to know the reality of your partner, the relationship and the future doesn’t look so bright to you. So, you become a little more depleted and tired of caring.  With each transgression, you care less and less.

Some of your faith in and luster for life may have been depleted,- without realizing it. If you’re feeling this or have felt this, then you’re normal.  Just applaud yourself for caring in the first place despite not caring now.  You did this out of protection for your well-being.

To remedy the ‘Meh’s’ and the ‘Blah’s’ you must be concerned with and take care of your own well-being because he won’t. Actually, no one will. This is your job. The narc will continue to trample you and do things that tell you, ‘You don’t matter’ and ‘You aren’t important.’ Not true.  You are.  You are important. You do matter.  You just need a break from the chaos otherwise you become chaotic. The trickle down effect of chaos and uncertainty from this relationship (administration) is stressful and it’s ok to take a break, but you must get back in Your life at some point.  Otherwise, who you’ve known yourself to be will diminish. Your spirit will diminish. With this, Depression can sink in over time and this is not good. Regardless if you stay or leave, instead of fighting for the relationship you so dearly want but will never have with a narcissist, fight for your way back to you.

There’s always hope.  Start with doing, again, what you once enjoyed. Start small if you don’t have the motivation or energy. You can seek help to build your self-esteem, set boundaries and leave the relationship if that’s best for you.

For the rest of us, there’s still Russia and Mueller.

It really does take a village….

“You can tell the wealth of a nation/country by how well its women and children are treated.”

Ok, I don’t remember who said this, but this quote speaks volumes.  The connection between mother and child is paramount to your development.  Needless to say, your development impacts society as a whole.  Our connection to our mothers has been found to impact our overall current and long-term health and well-being. Studies have linked stress levels in children to obesity, diabetes, heart disease, depression, anxiety and addiction (Neil Schneiderman, Gail Ironson, and Scott D. Siegel).  This is not to negate the role of fathers, by any means. Fathers are, of course equally important (we’ll get to that later in another post), but the focus is on women today due to 1. Women being the ones actually carrying to term and giving birth and 2. Women still being the majority primary care-giver.  Because the connection between mother and child is paramount to development, we must look at the environmental factors that can impact this bond or connection.  BTW, environmental factors don’t start for the child when they are birthed, it begins in utero, but that’s another post also.  There’s so much stuff to get to!

Sustained subtle stressors = trauma.  Overwhelming stress = trauma. Stress and trauma impacts you, because it impacts/impacted your development in some way. If stress and trauma impacted/impacts you, your relationships and your health (mental, emotional, physical) are all also impacted.   In a nutshell, environmental factors and your connection with your mother (and father) impact your health, work and relationships

In this country, we have been conditioned to think in terms of  ‘I,’ ‘Me,’ ‘My’ and ‘Mine.’ We think about how something (system, experience) or someone can help or hinder Me and My family. We don’t think about how a system, circumstance or experience will impact the ‘We,’ ‘Us,’ or ‘Our.’ This is the reductionist, individualist, competitive social society that doesn’t fully foster or allow for Connection. However, Connection (attachment) is about all of us as connection contributes to the strength and health of a nation (society).

We’ve read of studies about connection as it relates to loneliness and the negative effects on physical health and an increase in depression.  Studies have indicated that the stress and trauma a child experiences can contribute to their physical, mental and emotional health as an adult. Stress and trauma can contribute to the rise of addiction, obesity, diabetes, and heart disease. In addition, stress and trauma have been linked to anxiety, depression and other mood disorders (Neil Schneiderman, Gail Ironson, and Scott D. Siegel). Our healthcare system is and has been at a crux with the increase of obesity, heart disease, diabetes, and stroke being among the top ten killers as well as the increase of drug/alcohol use and addiction contributing to a rise in death rates primarily among White Americans. These are for the most part, preventable diseases.

If we as a society began to view parent-child connections (relationships) and the systems that can support the relationship as a necessity to the long-term productivity, success and health of our society, then we (society) can begin to alter our long-term health and healthcare system through preventative care. The probability of obesity, heart disease, diabetes and addiction would likely be reduced, due to the reduction of stress endured, therefore reducing the long-term need and long-term cost of maintenance band-aid healthcare.

I don’t know who the Artist is to give credit.

What systems (communities) impact the connection (relationship) between parent and child?

Childcare. Childcare is expensive.  Infant childcare can range between $5,000+ to $16,000 a year depending on which state you live in.  Childcare, on average takes 10%-25% of the yearly joint income of a married couple, while single moms have to spend 30%-80% of their yearly income on childcare.  HALF! of your yearly income just on CHILDCARE! so moms can go to work to provide for their families.  For a family on or near the poverty line? They’re looking at an average of 50%- above 100% of their income on childcare.  This means, that people on or near the poverty line ‘spend’ what they don’t have on childcare, or the cost of childcare is contributing to their financial loss.  This. shit. is. CRAZY. when you look at the numbers.  The yearly cost of childcare is often running close to or near the cost for one year of in-state college tuition.  Living pay-check to pay-check increases the stress which often trickles down to children with parents unable to be physically and emotionally present due to working long hours/multiple jobs and then coming home to do the cooking, cleaning etc. How present would you be?  You can view the cost of childcare in each state at http://www.usa.childaware.org.

Healthcare.  This is a no-brainer.  Infants and children need to go to the doctor, many might be for emergency purposes.  Needless to say, adults also need medical care without going into debt or becoming bankrupt.  Prior to the Affordable Care Act (Obamacare) maternity care was NOT covered AT ALL, which meant being a woman was a pre-existing condition!  In addition to maternity care, Family Planning  is also necessary. Family planning including insurance covered, free or minimal cost for birth control as well as the right to choose for having a baby.  Taking away funding for Planned Parenthood sets up an increase in possible STI’s and an increase in unwanted children coming into this world  with little financial means or emotional development to support the child (teen pregnancy).   There are 14.5 million children living in poverty in this country today and lack of funding for Planned Parenthood would only increase these numbers.  How can one be against abortion yet be ok with taking away universal maternity care as well as meals for children?  Aren’t infants and children just as valuable as a fetus? With universal healthcare,  women and children would get the care they need, without the nagging worry about going bankrupt or further into debt.  Personally, an overhaul of the health insurance and pharmaceutical industries should be held accountable and tackled.   We’re coming up on tax day, and believe me, every year I throw my fists up into the air cursing Uncle Sam.  However, I’m all for universal healthcare and education even with higher taxes. At least these great financial burdens would be lifted and I (we) would get a direct payoff instead of my taxes contributing to corporate wealth.  I know many people are against universal healthcare, but can someone tell me how Cuba, a country with universal healthcare and education, yet considered well below the economic growth rate has created a vaccine (Cimavax) to halt the spread of lung cancer?  One of the deadliest cancers? Yet, billions have been raised for the Komen foundation for breast cancer, and yet there’s still no cure?  Can someone say Profits over people?

Ok, off my soapbox…Next.

Paid Maternity Leave.  Not just maternity leave, but Paid Maternity Leave. Having a newborn is one of the greatest gifts and joys, yet employs the biggest stressors.  As a parent, you are on duty 24/7 no matter what.  Your underlying feeling is worry.  Worry that you’ll be a good parent, worry that you provide for your child, that they get a good education, worry that you raised a good functional child into adulthood, worry that your child is safe especially when you have no control.  As your children become adults, you worry less and less often but the underlying worry is never-ending. Well, until you die.  But I digress. Having a newborn is stressful and a complete change of your life. Paid maternity leave is important in establishing a connection/bond with your infant through holding, cradling, feeding, soothing, eye contact, speaking, bathing, cleaning etc.  All of these actions are bonding, especially breast-feeding.  Maternity leave would allow for bonding between parent and child without the stress of financially providing by having to rush back to work.  Some people get three weeks paid, some get 6 weeks, while others get 3 months and others get leave without pay.  3- 6 weeks are not enough. Three months leave, much better.  Paid maternity leave is needed for every family, but for the single mom (dad) and the parent with minimal support, it is imperative.

Which brings us to….

Equal Pay (and a Livable Minimum Wage).  US Department of Labor states that 57% of women work outside of the home. Statistics share that women make .60-.86 cents to every dollar a man makes, with women of color (Black, Latina) making the least. This impacts all women and especially single moms who carry the majority of responsibility for day-to-day child rearing.  For the single parent household, the stress of financially providing for your child and the stress of keeping the job is most likely increased (overwhelm), which impacts the connection between your child. Women will lose 800+ BILLION dollars! this year alone due to inequality in pay. If the Equal Pay rights became law, this would greatly benefit women, single women and single moms by reducing  financial stress with the ability to provide more for their child or children.  In addition, many families have to work 2-3 jobs just to make ends meet and often that isn’t enough.  Here’s where the livable wage increase happens.  Wages have NOT increased with inflation through the years contributing to the 14.5 million children living in poverty.  Kids not receiving basic care, such as food, healthcare and for some, shelter. Basic needs.  I don’t know why this isn’t an outrage in America and with our politicians.

Yes, these are all separate issues affecting women, but these are all connected.  These systems are environmental factors that impact the well-being and development of children.  To think that a child’s development is solely impacted by the individual family is not seeing the entire picture for child rearing and development.

The lack of these systems being made available to support parents can contribute to increased stress.  You’ve read multiple times already in this blog, that’s how important it is.  Sustained stress becomes a form of trauma and therefore affects your reasoning which impacts your ability to think rationally. Stress also affects your emotions (i.e. being quick to anger, lashing out at your child or your partner), and affects your behavior with coping mechanisms like alcohol, drugs, food, tv, phone, FB and anything else to checkout (Frone, M; Russell, M; Cooper, M. Lynne,  1997).  Stress taken alone doesn’t sound so insidious, but sustained stress is deadly.

I could’ve written separate blogs regarding each system, but that would take this subject and make it linear with a one-dimensional view, when in reality many systems impact mother-child (parent-child) bonds.  Furthermore, when we see that there are many elements to supporting women and children, thus society as a whole, then maybe we can see that we are all connected and it really does take a village.  Maybe then, we are liable to take action in the direction of the whole rather than the individual.

 

Attachment Theory Explained through the Senses- Part 2

taste

Attachment theory is based on the connection between parent and child. How we connect to our parents can impact how we connect as adults to partner’s as well as impact our long term health and well-being. Part 1 discussed the importance of eye contact and touch in development.  Here’s part 2.

Voice (Tone/language).

Tone-

Often when we speak to our baby (babies), we often use a rhythmic or melodic tone.  This also builds a comforting connection with your baby because it is soothing. Tone is important obviously, because tone can also be rage filled, angry, or aggressive etc and your child’s nervous system will pick up on that too as it is stress inducing.

Language-

Reading to your baby/child has been the foundation for early childhood education.  Every teacher knows that reading and engaging your child in conversation helps to engage your child’s brain, creating more neural networks (brain pathways). In doing so, it increases your child’s learning ability.  There have been studies regarding the differences in learning abilities of children from affluent environments and less affluent environments, with children from affluent environments flourishing in school while children from the less affluent environments have difficulties excelling.  How does this happen?  There are various layered reasons or contributing factors as to why children from more affluent environments have been found to have greater learning abilities, but I’m only going to address one aspect contributing to this issue: Stress.  Stress impacts your connection with your child.  Stress impacts every connection in your life, period.

Here’s how stress can impact the child’s learning abilities.  A parent(s) from a lower socio-economic situation is concerned with the basic survival of their family.  In addition to raising their child and worrying about their well-being, parents from a lower socioeconomic background have the stress of making/finding enough money to pay the bills and put food on the table etc.  Single parents can go in this category too.  The more stressed you are, the more limited you get in your thinking.  Meaning, you don’t have the time, space or the luxury to contemplate the meaning of (your) life.  This can carry over unknowingly in how a parent interacts and engages with their child.  One’s scope gets smaller under stress and that can include language. The parent may be focused on “don’t do that, you can’t do that, stop it, be quiet etc.”   If this is the most of the conversation you have with your child, then your child’s vocabulary will reflect that, limited vocabulary.  Lack of engagement also impacts the brain’s development where the brain becomes pruned in that area (no new brain networks are created), limiting their learning abilities as they grow older.  Expand your child’s language through conversation and reading and you expand their ability to learn. With each conversation, you’re  helping your child create new brain neural connections and pathways.  From an attachment perspective, when you’re reading and engaging with your child, you’re also being present with them, connecting with them.  This is something that you can do and change right now, in your own home.  Teachers can only do so much.

Which brings us to Energy.  This isn’t one of the 5 tangible senses but it’s important because it’s about being present, energetically present to your baby/child. I know it’s impossible to be 100% present 100% of the time, but in the field of attachment (connection) we’re concerned more with consistency and quality.   Many adults will often say, “My child is too young to realize what’s going on.”  Ummmm…yes they do.  Children/babies soak up their environment and their experiences through their senses and nervous system (body memory).

A parent can be physically present but not energetically/emotionally present and various behaviors can contribute to a sense of disconnect, such as depression, addiction (including workaholic), substance abuse, video games etc.   This can translate into a parent being physically present yet emotionally/energetically distant and unavailable.  Some of you reading can relate personally to this, or some of you can relate by the men/women you attract into your life.  If you’re still negating the energy aspect of this:  Think of a time you spoke to someone, a family member, partner, spouse or co-worker. As you spoke, they bobbed their head to acknowledge they were listening, however, you could feel or sense that they weren’t really listening to you. They were physically present, but not energetically present to you and you felt a disconnect in that moment.   It’s the same for a baby/child.

Lastly, smell.   Babies can identify you and connect through their sense of smell. Having a blankie with your smell on it as they go off to childcare will keep your baby connected to you through smell.

In the theory of attachment, connection is the name of the game.  Connection = Better Health.

Stress and the nervous system

 

Hey There! This is the first of a series of videos about stress, your nervous system, relationships in the hopes that it will help you, your health and your relationships. This first one is a little bit longer, but I hope you enjoy it.

New Year, New You?

study-tips-to-start-the-new-year-year-on-the-right-footWe’re 14 days into the new year and most people’s resolutions will have been forgotten or tossed aside, with only 8% of people who set a resolution will see it to fruition.  So many people toss their resolutions that January 17 is considered ‘Ditch New Year’s Resolution Day.’   We can count on every New Year to begin with a barrage of tag-lines advertising some type of weight loss tool or a better you. ‘A New Year, A New You,’ or ‘Seven ways to a new you,’ or  ‘The three best foods to battle the bloat’ and the list goes on. The new year is also often riddled with questions about resolutions, “Did you make any resolutions?” and “What are your resolutions for this year?”

Here’s the number one way to keep your resolutions.  Don’t make any.   I know I sound like Bah-humbug New Year, but I’m really not.  I love the New Year.  The New Year brings with it the excitement of newness and a desire or wanting for the new year to be different in some way than the last year, especially if the previous year was particularly difficult.  I think this is part of the reason people don’t keep their resolutions because of the high expectations they place on themselves.  We see this in making more than one resolution.  We are so motivated and excited about the new year that we want to change everything, Now!

 

new year goals or resolutions - colorful sticky notes on a blackboard

 

We want to change our lives or ourselves, and we want it done fast and easy.  Like everything in life, the newness of the year wears off and we’re left with the reality of : resolutions = change.  Change = work.  Work = no fun = ‘I don’t want to do this any longer.’   I get it.  I don’t make resolutions.  Instead of making resolutions, make a goal, one goal.  Psychologically, we seem to attach a little bit more reality and compassion to goals, because goals can be accomplished within weeks or months, while other goals depending how much work, time and effort they need may take years.  Goals can also be set any time of the year, not just when you’re coming down from the high of the holidays.

calvin-hobbes-new-years-resolutions

I love Calvin and Hobbes!

This way there is less of beating yourself up because of All the things you didn’t accomplish the past year. I find it ironic that we welcome each new year with happiness and cheer (Happy New Year!), yet by making resolutions, we actually begin the new year by looking at what is Wrong within us or in our lives.

Some people may set a goal to eat better, lose that holiday weight for their health, drink less etc.  There’s nothing wrong with that, but realize that you can do that at any time not just the new year.  Set a realistic goal and be kind to yourself in the process.

New Year, No Resolutions.